During a long day of work last week, I listened to "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis. I didn't know what to expect, and honestly it was slightly difficult to get through. But it was not difficult because it was poorly written; indeed, it was well-written as is every Lewis work I have read. It was difficult because it was so honest, so beautiful, and so sadly relatable.
In the introduction by Lewis' stepson Douglas Gresham, the comment was made that the article "A" must certainly be included in the title and not be lazily overlooked. Without the "A", the title loses its real value and the description of its contents. Everyone's grief is different, even if someone is experiencing a similar circumstance to that which you are experiencing.
C.S. Lewis wrote "A Grief Observed" when he was in his moments of paralyzing grief after the death of his dear wife, "H." (Helen Joy). When I said that this book is "sadly relatable", I did not mean that I have experienced this same kind of loss. Most, if not all, of my readers know that I have never been married; thus, I have never lost a spouse. But I am no stranger to – in one way or another – losing the people I love most. There were many times throughout "A Grief Observed" that I could almost hear my own thoughts and heart in Lewis' words, except that he is a much more eloquent writer than I am.
Lewis' writings are published in just four chapters, and each chapter showcases a different stage of heart-wrenching grief. Chapter one is full of sorrow and Lewis is almost desperate in his search for comfort and answers. Chapters two - four progressively become more hopeful and God-centered as C.S. Lewis became "used to" the fact of his wife's death.
Perhaps one of the most striking and relatable questions which Jack (Lewis) posed in the first chapter was, "[m]eanwhile, where is God?"1 This is a question that we ask ourselves all too often, but do not have the bravery to voice it – or even admit to ourselves that we have the question – in search of the answer.
Lewis went on, "Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble? . . . Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer."(Signature Classics, p. 658)
In the second chapter, Jack made a comment that disturbed me, and still does in a way, but that also made me examine my own thoughts. After expressing the consistent pain that we endure here on Earth, and his confusion about why our good God would put us through this pain, he wrote, "Sometimes it is hard not to say, 'God forgive God.' Sometimes it is hard to say so much. But if our faith is true, He didn't. He crucified Him."(p. 668)
More often than not, when we – or to be more personal, when I – go through a seemingly meaningless trial, we think that God is being cruel, and that He is somehow in the wrong. Whether or not we realize it, this can be accusing God of sinning against us. "How dare He put me through the very thing I have always dreaded the most? Doesn't He realize how much He has hurt me? He doesn't deserve my forgiveness and love anymore."
But is God required to tell us why He lets certain things happen in our lives? We live in a fallen world, and pain is inevitable. Sometimes, God graciously allows us to know at some point in our life why a specific trial came upon us. But other times – may I be so bold to say, also graciously? – He does not answer our question "why?" this side of Eternity.
In the third chapter, Jack finally began to come back to himself and to realize that God had been there all the time: "I have gradually been coming to feel that the door is no longer shut and bolted. Was it my own frantic need that slammed it in my face? The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for help may be just the time when God can't give it: you are like the drowning man who can't be helped because he clutches and grabs. Perhaps your own reiterated cries deafen you to the voice you hoped to hear."(p. 676)
There are times when we are in our deepest grief when we spend hours, days, weeks. . . in constant anguish and violent tears. We cry out, and sometimes scream out, to God for answers and for His peace and comfort. But could it be that at times we drown out His voice and the comfort of His Spirit? What would our grief look like if we learned even in the midst of intense pain to "be still and know that (He) is God" and "(cast) all your cares on Him, for He cares for you"?
There are two quotes that I would like to share from chapter four; the first simply because I like it and it is such a good picture of how we feel when we lose someone dearest to us, and the other to conclude my tracing of Lewis' thoughts.
Lewis could not imagine going back to how his life was before his marriage to "H." He dreaded it more than any other fate. He expressed himself this way, "Did you ever know, dear, how much you took away with you when you left? You have stripped me even of my past, even of the things we never shared. I was wrong to say the stump was recovering from the pain of the amputation. I was deceived because it has so many ways to hurt me that I discover them only one by one."(p. 682)
When we lose someone we love deeply – and I would imagine it is worst when it is a spouse – we cannot imagine ever being who we used to be. That person became such a part of our life that going on without them can seem impossible, and going on as if they were never a part of our life feels like a form of torture. Lewis, I believe, expressed that feeling perfectly.
Finally, Jack realized that many of his writings up to this point had been selfish, and his attitude toward God had been wrong. He wrote, ". . . But then of course I know perfectly well that He can't be used as a road. If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all. That's what was really wrong with all those popular pictures of happy reunions 'on the further shore'; not the simple-minded and very earthly images, but the fact that they make an End of what we can get only as a by-product of the true End."(p. 685)
It is a temptation to view Eternity too much as a healing of our sorrows and a reunion with the departed rather than spending a joyous eternity in the presence of our Savior, giving Him glory. Is it wrong to be excited about the prospect of our sorrow turning to joy, and of being reunited with our departed loved ones? Of course not, but God is to be our ultimate joy and end.
In conclusion, I highly recommend this short book to any of my readers. Not only does it give you a chance to understand that you are not alone in your grief, but it causes you to examine your own thoughts and your own heart toward God. And even if you have never experienced intense grief, I would imagine that "A Grief Observed" may help you to be more understanding and compassionate toward others who are grieving.
1. "The C.S. Lewis Signature Classics: A Grief Observed" 658.
In the introduction by Lewis' stepson Douglas Gresham, the comment was made that the article "A" must certainly be included in the title and not be lazily overlooked. Without the "A", the title loses its real value and the description of its contents. Everyone's grief is different, even if someone is experiencing a similar circumstance to that which you are experiencing.
C.S. Lewis wrote "A Grief Observed" when he was in his moments of paralyzing grief after the death of his dear wife, "H." (Helen Joy). When I said that this book is "sadly relatable", I did not mean that I have experienced this same kind of loss. Most, if not all, of my readers know that I have never been married; thus, I have never lost a spouse. But I am no stranger to – in one way or another – losing the people I love most. There were many times throughout "A Grief Observed" that I could almost hear my own thoughts and heart in Lewis' words, except that he is a much more eloquent writer than I am.
Lewis' writings are published in just four chapters, and each chapter showcases a different stage of heart-wrenching grief. Chapter one is full of sorrow and Lewis is almost desperate in his search for comfort and answers. Chapters two - four progressively become more hopeful and God-centered as C.S. Lewis became "used to" the fact of his wife's death.
Perhaps one of the most striking and relatable questions which Jack (Lewis) posed in the first chapter was, "[m]eanwhile, where is God?"1 This is a question that we ask ourselves all too often, but do not have the bravery to voice it – or even admit to ourselves that we have the question – in search of the answer.
Lewis went on, "Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble? . . . Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer."(Signature Classics, p. 658)
In the second chapter, Jack made a comment that disturbed me, and still does in a way, but that also made me examine my own thoughts. After expressing the consistent pain that we endure here on Earth, and his confusion about why our good God would put us through this pain, he wrote, "Sometimes it is hard not to say, 'God forgive God.' Sometimes it is hard to say so much. But if our faith is true, He didn't. He crucified Him."(p. 668)
More often than not, when we – or to be more personal, when I – go through a seemingly meaningless trial, we think that God is being cruel, and that He is somehow in the wrong. Whether or not we realize it, this can be accusing God of sinning against us. "How dare He put me through the very thing I have always dreaded the most? Doesn't He realize how much He has hurt me? He doesn't deserve my forgiveness and love anymore."
But is God required to tell us why He lets certain things happen in our lives? We live in a fallen world, and pain is inevitable. Sometimes, God graciously allows us to know at some point in our life why a specific trial came upon us. But other times – may I be so bold to say, also graciously? – He does not answer our question "why?" this side of Eternity.
In the third chapter, Jack finally began to come back to himself and to realize that God had been there all the time: "I have gradually been coming to feel that the door is no longer shut and bolted. Was it my own frantic need that slammed it in my face? The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for help may be just the time when God can't give it: you are like the drowning man who can't be helped because he clutches and grabs. Perhaps your own reiterated cries deafen you to the voice you hoped to hear."(p. 676)
There are times when we are in our deepest grief when we spend hours, days, weeks. . . in constant anguish and violent tears. We cry out, and sometimes scream out, to God for answers and for His peace and comfort. But could it be that at times we drown out His voice and the comfort of His Spirit? What would our grief look like if we learned even in the midst of intense pain to "be still and know that (He) is God" and "(cast) all your cares on Him, for He cares for you"?
There are two quotes that I would like to share from chapter four; the first simply because I like it and it is such a good picture of how we feel when we lose someone dearest to us, and the other to conclude my tracing of Lewis' thoughts.
Lewis could not imagine going back to how his life was before his marriage to "H." He dreaded it more than any other fate. He expressed himself this way, "Did you ever know, dear, how much you took away with you when you left? You have stripped me even of my past, even of the things we never shared. I was wrong to say the stump was recovering from the pain of the amputation. I was deceived because it has so many ways to hurt me that I discover them only one by one."(p. 682)
When we lose someone we love deeply – and I would imagine it is worst when it is a spouse – we cannot imagine ever being who we used to be. That person became such a part of our life that going on without them can seem impossible, and going on as if they were never a part of our life feels like a form of torture. Lewis, I believe, expressed that feeling perfectly.
Finally, Jack realized that many of his writings up to this point had been selfish, and his attitude toward God had been wrong. He wrote, ". . . But then of course I know perfectly well that He can't be used as a road. If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all. That's what was really wrong with all those popular pictures of happy reunions 'on the further shore'; not the simple-minded and very earthly images, but the fact that they make an End of what we can get only as a by-product of the true End."(p. 685)
It is a temptation to view Eternity too much as a healing of our sorrows and a reunion with the departed rather than spending a joyous eternity in the presence of our Savior, giving Him glory. Is it wrong to be excited about the prospect of our sorrow turning to joy, and of being reunited with our departed loved ones? Of course not, but God is to be our ultimate joy and end.
In conclusion, I highly recommend this short book to any of my readers. Not only does it give you a chance to understand that you are not alone in your grief, but it causes you to examine your own thoughts and your own heart toward God. And even if you have never experienced intense grief, I would imagine that "A Grief Observed" may help you to be more understanding and compassionate toward others who are grieving.
1. "The C.S. Lewis Signature Classics: A Grief Observed" 658.
Thank you for sharing your review of A Grief Observed, Louisa. I appreciate your sharing your personal loss, as well as distilling some of Lewis' apt observations of grief and our thoughts on God during the journey.
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